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-----------------------> J O K E D U J O U R <-------------------------
Daughter: Mommy, Mommy, I don't want to see grandma today!
Mommy: shut up and just keep digging
The following quotes taken from the Toronto News 1977, are actual statements
found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details
of an accident in the fewest possible words.
"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided
with a tree I don't have."
"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up
when I put my hand through it."
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other
way."
"A truck backed through the windshield into my wife's
face."
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."
"The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve a
number of times before I hit him."
"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my
mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment."
"In my attempt to kill a fly, I hit a telephone pole."
"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep
at the wheel and had an accident."
"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble
when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an
accident."
"As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly
appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever been
before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the
accident."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front of me,
I struck the pedestrian."
"My car was legally parked as I backed into the other
vehicle."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my
vehicle and vanished."
"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the
other side of the road when I struck him."
"The pedestrian had no idea where to run; so I ran over
him."
"The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy
in a small car with a big mouth."
"I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was
later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting
to swerve out of the way, when it struck my front end."
The Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes
---------------------------------------------
Q. How many Mac programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. You need a mouse to pull it down.
Q. How many musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One to change the bulb, one to sign the AFM contract, and one to carry the
ladder from gig to gig.
Q. How many account executives does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. How many would you like it to take?
Q. How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. None. That's a hardware problem!
Q: How many people from Harrisburg (Pennsylvania) does it take to screw in a
lightbulb?
A: None. The lightbulb glows by itself!!
Q: How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb, one to blunder into the ladder and knock
him off, and three workmen's compensation lawyers.
Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One and a half.
Q: How many surrealists does it take change a lightbulb?
A: Fish.
Q: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five -- one to change the lightbulb, one to write a book about it, one to
form a support group, one to provide day care, and the last to appear on
Phil Donohue to discuss the abuse that the socket is taking.
[From the 1985 Boston Ad Club Calendar]
Q: How many Copywriters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Copywriters don't make changes.
Q: How many Art Directors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Does it have to be a light bulb?
Q: How many PR people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two and a photographer
Q: How many media buyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Are there tickets involved?
Q: How many production managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, but you'd better say three just to be safe.
Q: How many Steve Jobs does it take to screw a light bulb?
A: Steve doesn't want to screw light bulb, he want to screw Sculleys!
Q: How many of Tip O'Neill's relatives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, one to hold the bulb, and two to drink 'till the room spins.
Q: How many yuppies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They don't. First, it's not a light bulb, it's a Bill Blass'
Mediteranian Autumnal Hue (Reg. Trdmrk.), and it's still under warranty.
Q: How long does it take a yuppie to change a light bulb?
A: Few minutes to do it, but then it'll take him/her an hour to figure
out how to get a tax deduction out of it.
A: Few minutes to do it, but he(she) will spend hours figuring how
to express this unique, whole new trend-setting experience at the
next cocktail gala.
[From The Wall Street Journal, Oct. 15, 1985]
Q: How many Louisianians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw in the bulb, one to hold the ladder, and one to
bribe officials for the permit.
Q: How many Oregonians?
A: Forty two. One to screw in the bulb, one to hold the ladder, and forty
to draft the environmental impact statement.
Q: How may Virginians?
A: Three. On to screw in the bulb, one to hold the ladder and highly refined
lady to remark how much lovelier the old bulb was.
Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the
experience.
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb, and four more to chase off the Californians
who have come up to relate to the experience.
Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martini.
Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
Q: How many Programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.
Q: How many Unix Hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's proprietary information, Answer available from Western Electric
Corp. on payment of license fee (binary only).
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years to complete it.
Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.
A: None of your damn business!
Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. A `Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it.
Q: How many Jewish Mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. ("That's all right... I'll just sit here in the dark...")
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. (Hint: They are small enough to fit inside).
Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes
on strike!
Q: How many WASP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Silly, WASP's don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
Q: How many Jewish American Princesses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to pour the Tab, and one to phone Daddy.
Q: How many Marxist's does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,000,001. One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization
to the point where they need light bulbs again.
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: None of your damn business!
A2: 50, 50? Yeah 50, it's in the contract.
Q: How many med students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from
under him.
Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really only one.
Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!!!
Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
Q: How many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Manual labor? Gag me with a spoon!
Q: How many database people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three:
One to write the light bulb removal program,
One to write the light bulb insertion program, and
One to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure
nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of them.
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb and one not to change it.
A: Four. One to change the bulb.
Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions.
Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to write a song about how good the
old light bulb was.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
with brightly colored machine tools.
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation
specialist, and one to charge the bill.
Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, the bulb will change itself when its ready.
Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a lightbulb.
Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial
one of their subordinates to actually change it.
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: l00. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which l0% of
the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and
20% of the definitions are of the form "A........consists of sequences
of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
Q: How many graduate students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes nine years.
Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three tech reports out of it.
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the
third to shoot the witness.
Dumb Jokes
----------
A Winkie was told that most car accidents happen within a ten mile radius of
ones house - so he moved.
A Winkie locked his keys in the car and it took him a week to get his family
out.
"WEDDING JOKE": A WINKIE CAME TO A WEDDING AND ASKED ANOTHER WINKIE HOW MANY
"H"'S ARE IN HERE COMES THE BRIDE. HE ANSWERS "1". THAT IS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!!!
THEN ANOTHER MAN COMES IN AND HE ASKS HIM HOW MANY "E"'S ARE IN HERE COMES THE
BRIDE. HE ANSWERES "6". YOU ARE RIGHT!! THEN REALLY DUMB GUY COMES IN AND
HE SAYS EVERYONE BE NICE. HOW MANY "D"'S ARE THERE IN HERE COMES THE BRIDE? HE
THINKS, THEN ANSWERS "36". HOW DID YOU GET THAT? HE'S ASKED. OH ITS EASY "DUM
DUM DUM DUM, DUM DUM DA DUM, THAT IS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!!!DUM DUM DA DA DUM, DA
DA DUM DUM DA DUM DUM DUM DUM, DA DA DUM DA DUM DA DA DUM
DUMDA DUM DUM DA DUM"!!!!!!
COURTESY OF COOKIEFACE
There was this winkie who had heard a good joke in a bar, and
intended to tell his wife when he got home. But then he was afraid
that he might be carrying a joke too far.
HOW MANY WINKIES DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
1000 - A WINKIE TO HOLD THE BULB, AND 999 TO TURN THE HOUSE AROUND...
WHERE DO ARABS PARK? IN A CAMELOT (BOOK TWO!)
Did you hear why the winkie gave up M & M's?
He couldn't figure out how to peel them!
Did you hear how the winkie hockey team drowned?
Spring training!
Know why the winkie keeps a store of empty beer bottles handy?
They're for his friends who don't drink!
How do you catch a unique bird?
Unique up on 'im!
How do you catch an ordinary bird?
Unique up on him just like uniqued up on the last one!
Thanks to Billy Beal.
A man walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Hey fella! Have I got some good
winkie jokes for you guys." The bartender leans over to him and says, "Listen,
if I were you I'd watch my tongue. I'm winkish, the 350- pound bouncers are
winkish, and every man in here is winkish." "Oh, that's okay," said the
stranger cheerfully, "I'll talk v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y."
Do you know why the suicide rate is so low in Winkieland?
Because you can't jump out of a basement window!
What are the three most difficult years for a winkie?
Second grade!
I knew a guy who was so poor he couldn't even afford a pet peeve.
I'm so poor, I can't even pay attention.
Did you hear about the two winkies who went hunting? On the way, they
came to a fork in the road where a sign said "bear left", so they turned
around and went home.
Two winkies went on a hunting trip. After it began to get dark, they
thought it was about time to go home. They unfortunately got lost. One
winkie said to the other, "I read that if you get lost in the woods you
should fire three shots in the air. It is supposed to be an "S.O.S." So
the second winkie shot three times into the air. After waiting for a few
hours, they repeated the signal. They tried it over and over, but nobody
came to help them. Finally, the second winkie said, "O.K., I'll try again,
but we're running out of arrows!"
==============================================================================
Q A N D A J O K E S
==============================================================================
Updated June 25, 1987
Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: Because he was dead!
Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in and two to say "See? More satisfying
than a man!".
Q: When is a door not a door?
A: When it's ajar.
Q: What do you call the person with aids and herpes?
A: An incurable romantic.
Q: What do you call a cow that had an
abortion ?
A: Decalfinated
Q. Who would Tuesday Weld be if she married Hal March III?
A. Tuesday March the third !!!
Q. What is the name of the new JAP (Jewish American Princess) Horror Movie?
A. Debbie Does Dishes
Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall ?
A. Art
Q: What do you get when you cross Raquel Welch with Santa Claus?
A: A thank you from Santa!
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idea.
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no idea!
Q: Why did Billy Bean bring toilet paper to the party??
A: Because he was a party pooper!
Q: What do you call three holes in the ground?
A: Well. Well. Well.
Q: What do you call a carrot who wises off to a farmer?
A: A fresh carrot!
Q: Do you know how to keep a winkie in suspense?
A: I'll tell you next week.
Q: Do you know how to get a one-armed winkie out of a tree?
A: Wave to him.
Q: What kind of sex should one never have on a picnic?
A: Insects.
Q: Who was Alexander Graham Belowski?
A: The first telephone pole.
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: To get to Mexico where they don't celebrate Thanksgiving!
Q: What did the man say when we got his big electric bill?
A: He was shocked!
Q: How many college alumni does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three...one to screw it in, one to bring the beer and one to comment
on how the old one was better.
Q: How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?
A: Military Standard M-38510 states that angels are not permitted to dance
except on a properly surfaced Rounded-End Temporary Fabric Emplacer, per
Ordnance Document 65791.
Q: How do you make anti-freeze?
A: Turn off the heat in her bedroom.
Q: Why did the punk rocker cross the road?
A: To get to the other side?
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: He was part of the punk's earring.
Q: Why did the shark cross the road?
A: To get to the other tide.
Guest: Do lemons have wings?
Host: What?
Guest: I said, do lemons have wings?
Host: Of course not.
Guest: Oh my god, I think I just squeezed your canary into my drink!
Q: Did you hear about the pregnant penguin?
A: She was with Byrd at the time.
Q: What can't Winkies make Kool-Aid?
A: They can't figure out how to get 4 pints of water into the little packet.
Q: What happened to the winkie who tried to be a stud?
A: He was found dead under a snow tire!
Q: Did you hear that the catholic missionary was successful on the
cannibal island?
A: They only eat fishermen on Fridays.
Q: "Should I boil the new missionary?" asked the cannibal.
A: "No" replied the chief, "He's a friar."
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the middle of the road,
and a dead loan officer in the middle of the road?
A: There aren't any skid marks in front of the loan officer.
Q: What's Irish and sits on the porch?
A: Pati O'Furniture
Q: What did they award the man that invented the door knocker?
A: The No-bell Prize.
Q: Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?
A: Great food but no atmosphere!
=============================================================================
P A R A G R A P H J O K E S
=============================================================================
A traveling microcomputer salesman went to a bar after a hard day at work in a
strange town away from home. There he met a gorgeous lady with whom he tried
hard to strike up a conversation. He spared no effort to project his image of
being a sensitive, caring, affectionate modern male with every serious
intention of commitment. Finally, at his suggestion that they continue their
chat in his hotel suite, she said "You know, sometimes what makes me sicker
than chauvinist pigs are wimps who think I would fall for commitment talk."
"Oh no you misunderstood, my dear", desperately said the salesman, "I'm no
wimp, I'm just user-friendly!".
An Irish priest just out of school was preaching at a church in the countryside.
As he finished his sermon filled with the fire of God, he realized that most of
his audience was asleep. After they had left, he asked the old priest what
he had done wrong. The priest said that he had to preach about something that
they could relate to. Next Sunday when the priest got up to speak he asked
this question:"How many of you have seen a ghost before, maybe floating along
the moors ?" About half of them raised their hands. "All right," said the
priest,"Then how many have seen a ghost in your own house?" A quarter of the
people raised their hands. When he asked how many had ever seen a ghost in
their own room, only a few raised their hands. Then he asked his last
question:"How many of you can say that they have really had sexual encounters
with a ghost." No one raised his hand. Then in the back row a farmer slowly
stood up. The priest said "My God man, are you sure it was a ghost?" To this
the farmer replied "Beggin' your pardon sir, I thought you said 'goat' ."
A struggling actor in New York finally landed his first role in a Broadway
play. He had only one line, but he was, nonetheless, quite thrilled.
Weeks of rehersal went by, and the young actor repeated his line over and over-
"Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"
Day and night, he practiced his line (the opening line of the play),
"Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"
Opening night arrived, the stage was set and the curtains parted to a
thunderous BOOM. The actor jumped in the air and shouted,
"What the hell was that!?!?"
One day a pregnant lady fell unconscious. The doctors had to do the
operation without her. Two days after the operation, the lady recovered
and the doctors told her that she had had twins. But, they had had to name
them within a day (for the files), so they had asked her next-of-kin to name
the babies.
The lady was annoyed to hear that they had let her crazy brother named
them. The doctor said that he had named the little girl Denise.
The lady said that was a nice name, but what did he name the little
boy. The doctor replied, 'Denephew'.
There is a story about a meeting between Gromyko and Chernenko, some months
before the latter's demise: "Andrei," said Chernenko, "I want you to do
something about these confusing international time zones. They are causing
me terrible problems." Puzzled, Gromyko asked what the trouble was.
"Well," said Chernenko, "when Indira Gandhi was shot, I called with condolences
and I was a day late. When John Paul II was shot, I called with condolences,
and I was a day early!"
There were three sailors and a captain on a ship. The captain told the
sailors, "I don't believe these stories about the captain going down with the
ship, and since there is only room for three men in the lifeboat I will ask
each one of you a question to see who will come with me."
Then the captain adressed the first sailor, "What famous `unsinkable' ship
went down after striking an iceberg." The first sailor responded, "The Titanic,
Sir." Then the captain asked the second sailor, "How many people went down with
the Titanic." The second sailor answered, "One thousand, three hundred and
forty-seven, Sir." The captain finally asked the third sailor, "What were their
names?"
Pat and Mike were drinking and chatting in a pub
one night when they started to talk about their pigs. As the night
ended they made an agreement to mate them. So, the next day Pat
put his sow into his wheelbarrow and brought her up to Mike's.
At the end of the day Pat asked: "How will we know that this worked?"
Well, said Mike "If she is eating grass, then you will have to
bring her back tomorrow, but, if she is rolling in the mud you are
all set." So, the next morning when Pat awoke he looked out the
window to see his sow happily munching on grass. He went outside,
put her in the wheelbarrow and brought her up to Mike's again. And
so it went for the next 3 days, each morning his sow was happily
munching the grass until finally Pat said to his wife, "I can't bear
to look, look out the window and tell me just what that sow is doing"
...."Oh my" said his wife..."Is she eating grass again?" asked Pat..
"No" said his wife "Ah! Is she rolling in the mud then?"..."No" said
his wife "She's sitting in the wheelbarrow"
A few days ago, I was getting worried about my wife.
After all, we're not getting any younger, and I thought she might
be losing her hearing.
So I decided to test her. I stood thirty feet behind her and called,
"Mary, can you hear me?" No response. Oh, no, I thought,
she really is losing her hearing. So I walked up to twenty feet away
and tried again: "Mary, can you hear me?" Nothing.
So I walked up to ten feet away, and called: "Mary, can you hear me?"
"Yes, for the third time."
Two guys are driving along in a car when they see two dogs making love in
the front of someone's house. The driver says: "That is great. Me and my
wife do that every night. The passenger replies,"My wife is conservative,
she likes the old fashioned way. But if you tell me how you get your wife
to do this, I would like to try it." The driver says: "Give your wife two
martinis and she will be all set." The next morning they're crusin'
along and the driver asks "How was it?" The passenger answers: "It was
great, but it took my wife ten martinis." The driver looks at him funny
and says "TEN MARTINIS ?" The passenger says "YES !" After two she was
more than willing but it took her eight more to get her out on the front
lawn !!!"
Two couples who moved to the south decided that they would convert to the
Baptist faith. They went to a local preacher and explained their situation.
The preacher told both couples that his congregation might accept them if they
would meditate on their decision and abstain from sex for a month. After this
month they should return to the preacher and talk about their thoughts.
Thirty days later both couples arrived at the church to meet with the preacher. The husband from the first couple spoke up and saidPreacher, not only
have we learned the significance of God in our lives as a result of our medita-
tions, but we have renewed our spiritual love for one another as a result of
our abstinence!" The preacher smiled and said: "Please consider yourselves to
be welcomed as members of the congregation." He looked at the second couple and
asked how things were for them. The husband and wife looked sheepishly at one
another and finally the husband spoke: "Well, you should understand, preacher,
that thirty days is a long time for us to go without sex, but we gave it our
best shot. Still, around two days ago, I saw my wife bend over to pick up
a sack of potatoes... well, preacher, I couldn't control myself and I let her
have it right there on the spot." The preacher looked at the wife and asked:
"Is that how it happened?" They both nodded. The preacher frowned and said
"You realize that you are not welcome in our congregation?" The wife looked
down and said: "That ain't nothing, preacher, we ain't allowed in Star Market
either"
SINCE I'M IN THE BOY SCOUTS, WE DO A LOT OF CAMPING.
ONE TIME MY TROOP WENT CAMPING UP IN ALASKA. WE WERE
UP IN THE MOUNTAINS NEAR A CLIFF. LATER THAT NIGHT,
WE WERE ATTACKED BY A BUNCH OF ANIMALS CALLED "RAIRIES".
THEY BITE HARD, SO WE FIGURED WE HAS BETTER KILL
THEM. WE TOOK SOME BROOM STICKS, AND STARTED TO TIP THEM
OFF THE CLIFF. WE WOULD GET THEM NEAR THE CLIFF, TAKE OUR
BROOMSTICKS, AND TIP THEM LIGHTLY SO THEY FELL
OFF. LATER, AFTER WE GOT THE LAST ONE, OUR TROOP
LEADER WENT OVER TO THE CLIFF, LOOKED DOWN AND SHOOK
HIS HEAD. HE SIGHED AND SAID "GEE, THATS A LONG
WAY TO TIP A RAREY!"
WACKO: RAY D OSHACK
A Connecticut Co-ed college was having trouble with boys in the girls' dorm and
girls in the boys' dorm after hours. Finally, the Dean said that if anyone
was caught after normal school hours in reference to the above, they would
be fined. After one day, a young man was caught in the girls' dorm and was
escorted by the campus police to the Dean's office. The Dean told the
young man, "The first offense carries a $5.00 fine; the second carries a
$10.00 fine and so on." Immediately, the young man asked,
"Sir, is there a rate for a season pass?"
There were an American priest, an African priest and a Rabbi in a boat.
All of a sudden, the American priest said, "I think I'll go to the shore and
get a cup of coffee." So he got up and walked across the water to the shore
and soon he came back and sat down, saying," Oh, that was a good cup of coffee!"
Then the African priest wanted to go ashore, so he got up and stepped into the
water. But he fell under the water and drowned. Then the Rabbi said to the
American priest, "Didn't you tell him where the rocks are?"
These three guys were working in a mine. Two were winkish and one was Oriental
winkish. The foreman said to the Oriental winkish, "You're in charge of
supplies." And to the first winkish man, he said, "You are in charge of the
wheel barrow." To the second, he said "You are in charge of the pick axe."
So he left them and came back in an hour. The winkish men were sitting
around doing nothing. "What happened? Why aren't you at work?" The winkish
men replied that their tools were broken and that the Oriental winkie who
was in charge of supplies, was in the mine. So the foreman went into the mine
to look for him. The Oriental winkie popped out from around the corner and
said "Supplies!!"
An American, a Brit, and a German were stranded on a desert island. After one
year, the American was running a successful business, the German was commanding
an army, and the Brit had done nothing to do because he hadn't been introduced
to the other two chaps...
A Jewish missionary was sent to a remote desert island to convert the natives
which were known as Trids. To study their habits, he imitated everything they
did. Once a year, a giant would come out of his lair, and, upon seeing a long
line of the natives, would delicately punt each one in the back of his or her
loin- cloth. The missionary missed the first year, so he stayed around another
year, and got in line. When the giant reached him, the giant looked him over
very carefully, shook his head, and punted the next native in line. This
infuriated the missionary, so he stayed around another year, with the same
results. The next year, when the giant came to the missionary, he shook his
head and started to go to the next one in line. The missionary lost his temper.
He demanded of the giant: "You kick them, why don't you kick me!?" The giant
replied: "Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids."
A frog walks into a bank to try to get a loan. He sits down and is approached
by a bank employee.
"May I help you?" the employee asks. "Yes, Mr. Paddywhak,"said the frog,
noticing the man's name plate. "I would like to borrow fifty dollars."
"I see, do you have any collateral?"
"Golly, just this little gadget I won at a fair the other day."
Mr. Paddywhak took the gadget and went into his boss's office.
"Excuse me, sir. It seems there is this frog that wants to borrow some money
and all he has is this gadget. What is it?"
The boss looked it over.
"It's a knick-knack, Paddywhak. Give the frog a loan!"
Gorbachev woke up one morning and walked outside and looked up towards the sky.
He saw the rising sun.
"Good morning, comrade sun," said Gorbachev.
"Good morning, comrade Gorbachev," replied the sun.
Gorbachev went to his office and worked until lunchtime. He came out and
said , "Good day, comrade sun!"
"Good day, comrade Gorbachev!" replied the sun.
Gorbachev went back to his office and didn't come out until dusk. Again,
he looked up at the sky and said, "Good night, comrade sun!" The sun did not
reply. Grobachev said it a little louder," Good night, comrade sun!"
Again, the sun did not reply. Gorbachev yelled, "Answer me, you cur!"
"Go to blazes, Gorbachev, I'm in the West now!"
Dave had been a somewhat sleazy leftist when he was alive. When he died,
he found himself in front of a demon in Hell. The demon said," You have
a choice: you can go to Capitalist Hell or Communist Hell."
"I think I'll look them over, first," said Dave. He went over to
Capitalist Hell where he encountered Adam Smith sitting alone.
"What's it like in there?" asked Dave.
"Well," said Adam, "In Capitalist Hell, they flay you alive, boil you
in oil, chop you up into little pieces with sharp knives and then chain
you to a rock where a vulture comes and tears your liver out."
Dave didn't like the sound of this, so he went to check out the
Communist Hell. There he found Karl Marx, hard at work letting in huge
numbers of people. Dave was curious as to why everyone seemed to prefer
Communist Hell over Capitalist Hell.
"Excuse me," he asked Marx, "but what's so great about Communist Hell?"
Marx replied, "In Communist Hell, they flay you alive, boil you in oil,
chop you into little pieces with sharp knives and chain you to a rock so
that a vulture can tear our your liver."
"But that is the same as Capitalist Hell!" protested Dave.
"Sure," sighed Marx, "But sometimes we don't have oil, sometimes we
don't have knives..."
A man is sitting at a bar on Beacon Hill, orders a beer and looks out
the window. Suddenly, he slams the glass of beer down, runs outside and yells
"Green side up!" He returns to the bar, picks up his beer and continues talking
to the guy next to him. After a few moments, he looks out the window and again,
runs outside and hollers, "Green side up!"
The guy next to him looks puzzled and is about to ask him what's going
on when the same scene occurs. The man slams his beer down, runs outside and
again yells "Green side up, green side up for crying out loud!"
Finally his drinking buddy stops him and asks for an explanation. "Oh,"
said the man, "it's just some State workers trying to plant some trees."
A priest, a rabbi, and a lawyer were in a lifeboat in choppy seas. Suddenly
a huge wave hit the tiny boat and knocked the priest out. As he swam toward
the boat, a large shark appeared behind him and swallowed the priest whole.
As the rabbi said a prayer for the priest, another wave hit the boat and
knocked the lawyer out. As he swam back to the boat, the same shark appeared
behind the lawyer. As the shark closed in for the kill, it suddenly dipped it's
nose and lifted the lawyer back into the boat. The rabbi asked, "I wonder why
the shark ate the priest but spared you." The lawyer replied, "Professional
courtesy."
A winkie saw an ad for a cruise to a tropical island for only $100 so he went
in to inquire. He gave the agent his money, and they knocked him out and threw
him in the back room. Soon, another winkie saw the same ad, gave his money to
the agent, and received the same treatment. Finally, a third winkie came upon
the ad and, exclaiming, "Only a hundred dollars, WOW!", he went through the
same thing as the other two. When the three came to, they found themselves on a
rowboat off the shore of a tiny seemingly deserted island. The second guy
said, "I should have known for a hundred dollars this would be a rip-off." The
other guy replied, "Yeah we got taken, I wonder if the are gonna feed us." The
third winkie said "Well, they didn't last year."
A certain man named Jones was on top of a roof during a flooding and the water
was rising fast until it almost covered his feet. A man in a canoe offered him
some help. Jones said,"No thank you, I have faith in God and he will save me."
After the water rose to his waist, a motorboat came and offered him help. Jones
said, "No thank you, I have faith in God and he will save me." When the water
was almost to his head, a helicopter came by and offered him help. Jones
said, "No thank you, I have faith in God and he will save me."
Two hours later after resisting no more, he drowned. When he was about
to enter the heavenly gates, he asked why God didn't save him. God said, "What
more do you want? I sent two boats and a helicopter."
A solidarity worker, a young woman, an old lady and a Russian soldier were on a
train to Minsk one morning, on their way to work. Since they were seated across
from each other, the soldier was able to cast appreciative glances at the young
woman, who was quite pretty. Suddenly, the train entered a tunnel, and in the
ensuing darkness there came the sound of a soft kiss followed by a terrific
slap. After the lights came on, there was an embarrassed silence and the four
passengers looked everywhere but at each other.
"Good for her", thought the old lady. "That soldier tried to get fresh with the
young girl and she belted him.".
"That's funny", thought the girl. "One of the men must have tried to kiss me
but kissed the old lady instead and she slapped him".
"This just isn't my day", thought the soldier. "That worker kissed the girl and
then she slapped me by mistake".
Meanwhile the solidarity worker was chuckling to himself and thinking: "Gee,
I'm pretty smart if I do say so myself. I kissed the back of my hand, belted
that soviet soldier and got away with it!".
LEGAL LAUGHS
------------
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as the client can afford.
Q: What is the definition of a litigant?
A: An individual willing to give up his skin in the hopes of retaining his
bones.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A: A rooster clucks defiance...
The following submitted by Zeff:
Most language is spoken language, and most words,once they are uttered,
vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with language spoken
during courtroom trials for their exists an army of court reporters whose job
is to take down and preserve every statement made during the proceedings.
Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter
has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers into two books-
Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, published a few months
ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some of my favorite transquips,
all recorded by America's keepers of the word:
Q: What is your brother-in-law's name?
A: Borofkin.
Q: What's his first name?
A: I can't remember.
Q: He's been your brother-in-law for 45 years, and you can't remember his first
name?
A: No.No.I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and
pointing to Mr. Borofkin) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A: No.
Q: Now Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumber region.
Q:What is your name?
A:Ernestine McDowell.
Q:And what is your marital status?
A:Fair.
Q: Are you married?
A: No. I'm divorced.
Q: What did your husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things that I didn't know about.
Q: And who is this person you are speaking of?
A: My ex-widow said it.
Q: How did you happen to go to Dr. Cheney?
A: Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cheney, and
said he was really good.
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A: I will be three months November 8th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of the conception was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Q: Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
A: Four times.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies have been on dead people.
Q: Were you acquainted with the decedent?
A: Yes,sir.
Q: Before or after he died?
Q: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A: Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
A: No.
Q: Mrs Jones, is your appearance this morning persuant to a deposition notice
I sent to your attorney?
A: No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information
and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
Q: You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you, and you
didn't scream?
A: No ma'am.
Q: Does that mean you consented?
A: No, Ma'am. That means I was unconscience.
Q: Did he pick up the dog by the ears?
A: No.
Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A: Picking them up in the air.
Q: Where was the dog at this time?
A: Attached to the ears.
Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for
the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to, gone also,
would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
Before we recess, let's listen to one last exchange involving a child:
Q: And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral.O.K.? What school do you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: How old are you?
A: Oral.
Winkies:
The third Munchkin pointed. "The West, where the yellow Winkies live, is ruled
by the Wicked Witch of the West. She would make you her slave if you passed
her way."
O X Y M O R O N S :
What is an oxymoron? An oxymoron is an expression joining two concepts
which seem to be contradictory:
Sound of Silence Dream Reality Clear As Mud
Military Intelligence Led Zeppelin Perfectly Wrong
Icy Hot Same Difference Sun Shower
Wicked Good Divorce Court Postal Service
Real Phony Jumbo Shrimp House Ethics
Void Where Prohibited Plastic Silverware TV News
Budget Resolution Senatorial Courtesy Government Worker
Small Fortune Required Elective Luxury Bus
Bittersweet Peppermint War Games
Pretty Ugly Cold as Hell Studying Together
Exciting Accountant Near Miss Weather Forcast
Peacekeepping Missile United Nations Fresh Yogurt
Retired Worker
If you find a good oxymoron, tell us it via MSG.
HELLO, THERE! I THOUGHT UP A NEW OXYMORON AT LUNCH TODAY! IT IS:
PLASTIC STRAW (AS IN THE KIND YOU DRINK FROM VS. HAY). PLEASE PLACE
IT IN THE OXYMRORON SECTION UNDER CRIER. THANKS A LOT!!
We have been asked to publish palindromes as well as oxymorons. (Bring your
oxymorons into our palindrome ... ) A palindrome is any sentence that is
spelled the same forward and backward.
For example:
"Straw? No, too stupid. I put soot on warts!
Madam I'm Adam
Lew Otto has a hot towel
Able was I ere I saw Elba
A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.
Sit on a pan, Otis.
Rats drown in Wordstar
Rise to vote, Sir
Evil I did dwell; lewd did I live
Egad, a base tone denotes a bad age
Was it a car or a cat I saw
Pull up if I pull up
Ten animals I slam in a net
Some men interpret nine memos
or even:
Red rum, sir, is murder.
Ma is as selfless as I am.
Nurse, I spy gypsies! Run!
He lived as a devil, eh?
Niagara, O roar again!
No evil Shahs live on.
